I think this new year promises to be interesting. Uhm. Yeah, you know how I dreamed that I was getting married right? In the past few weeks that I’ve been here, I had 3 separate dreams of getting married. WTF? And one of those days my sister also dreamed that I was getting married. Again. WTF??! It’s all cute and sweet to think about but really, right now I feel those sort of thoughts and fancies belong in the distraction category to me right now.
And these were vivid dreams, that I’ve learned over the years tend to be somewhat predictive. SO. What ? Am I getting married? On first thought I like the idea, then on second thought, I’m thinking…noooooo waaay, stop thinking this nonsense and get over it! Maybe it’s a trap. Of course this could all be symbolic. But in any case, this is predictive. And important because it was repeated. 3 times. That really doesn’t happen. If it is symbolic it is probably an integration of opposing forces resulting in creation. Which very well could be.
Aside from that, vacation was very restful and peaceful, a state of being which I completely need as much and as often as I can get it. I feel the approach of going back to San Diego, my apartment and work.
One of my most immediate and specific resolutions is: Don’t get tricked into going on a blind date again by taking a long break from the people who lie to you in this way.
Okay, not that the date was bad. I just really really really don’t appreciate that it was forced on me because someone failed to mention to me that it was a blind date. I really hate being deceived, especially when someone conveniently “forgets” to mention that it is a blind date because they know I will say no.
Another thing that must be done is for me to find a place of peace so that I can do some work. My apartment is not that place anymore. So I have to find a good library or coffee shop. This is probably the number one most important thing I need to do. Find a peaceful workspace to work on things that I must work on. It’s my way out of bondage.
Work. I need to maintain what I started. I can be friendly with people but don’t try so hard to be friends. I’m getting over that. I’m there to work. I respect and like the people I respect and like. I stay away from the people I must stay away from. And everyone else I must take a friendly but very very detached approach. Don’t share personal life details. Keep your soul somewhere else. This is all temporary anyway. This is working for me, and it feels right. DETACH DETACH DETACH. And I actually feel better and enjoy work more, surprisingly.
I was all psyched to do reviews on Yelp. But I guess that wore off. Maybe that urge will come back again.
I guess the focus right now is to keep what is true and right for me together in a neat and tight bundle. I don’t want superfluous stuff that will distract me from what Iwant and need to do. The things I am going for right now are finding peace, doing things that support my growth, working diligently on things that I need to do to be free. Anything outside of that, if it’s good, it’s a bonus, if it’s not so good, then it’s just irritation and distraction. If there are challenges in what I want to do, those really are not irritation and distraction, that’s a challenge and it is a good thing. But actually it boils down to this: Simply do the things you want to do because you know what is right for you. Do not be so easily swayed or led astray by others and don’t be a pushover–these distractions are hidden procrastination tactics, so don’t blame it on them if you get corralled into something you don’t like. Just say no!!!!!!
I follow Steve Pavlina’s blog. I think it’s very inspiring. Today I read about his thoughts on marriage, polyamory, and love. I think they make sense even though it is controversial and a path that doesn’t personally resonate with me. Actually polyamory might have been the solution to the problems in my marriage if I were a person open to that for myself. I am not. I can grasp it at a mental level and I think what he says about love and all that…yes, I think it’s all true. You can’t put it in a box, that is exactly it. Marriage is a pretty outdated institution and it’s man made. I totally agree to that.
I’ve expressed this much to my ex husband while we were married. Because he was facing the same sort of crisis. I didn’t like the idea, but I presented it to him so he would know his feelings were natural. BUT I also made it clear to him that wasn’t really the sort of love that I was interested in. So we separated, but I wonder if he is running into this sort of crisis in his new marriage. The same sorts of boundaries in marriage and committed relationships prevent us from being friends today…so I wonder…
I will admit the blog posts about polyamory disturbed me because I know what he is saying is true. But at the same time, this is not the sort of love I want to experience. I think it’s cool and very evolved that other people do, but it isn’t for me. Maybe I grew up with too many fairy tales. Maybe I watched too many movies about THE ONE. I don’t know. Despite knowing all that about love not being contained…I really know this in my heart to be true. I think I do want a love that is…yeah I know what I want. The whole happily ever after thing with just two people…it wouldn’t bother me if he were also emotionally close to others, but I think the physical intimacy thing bothers me.
But in any case what I want is that “special” type relationtionship that many books and things warn about. Maybe unrealistic. But that sort of relationship has got to exist somewhere, right? Why would people even know about it? Why would people write about it? In all the people out there, there have to be some that experience this sort of unrealistic, monogamous, close and intimate relationship and can make it last, right? And nothing is impossible. So.
I think last year I already made the decision that if a relationship couldn’t be the way I wished for, naturally and easily, then I would rather be alone. I would rather abstain from romantic, intimate relationships completely, than live something that just wasn’t right for me. I always believed that I was here on earth for the purpose of experiencing and expressing a certain kind of love and making it last…unrealistic or not, it exists even if it is just in my heart I feel that in this life this is what I want. Leave polyamory to another life, maybe it’ll be for me then.
In any case, if I think about it too much I’ll render my life meaningless and I know that it is not. So I better get back to what I want to do now. I’m glad people don’t really know about this blog to witness the mess I’m trying to clean up :p