It has been very strange and I don’t remember why…

OOh! I am super excited because Wil Wheaton, LeVar Burton and Brent Spiner are all on twitter!!! I’m sure people have no idea how much this thrills me. I’m hoping that they convince the rest of the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation to go on twitter too.

What else was weird…OH. Yeah. Steve Pavlina wrote another post relevant to me. I won’t bother going into details…but anyway…This never happened before because I guess my issues never collided with his previous focuses. BUt now it’s like he’s reading my mind. It’s really cool. But it sort of creeps me out that he addresses every point that I was struggling with a few days earlier.

The iPod oracle appears not to want to be my oracle anymore. Its answers seem half-hearted. It keeps spitting out scary songs when I put it on shuffle. Maybe I need to give it a break. I know it is huffy at me. Yeah I give inanimate objects and plants personalities. It’s what I do…

One lady I don’t usually talk to often because she is an acquaintance had this big discussion with me on my facebook wall about love and a lot of other things that i’m concerned with. That was strange as well.  That tripped me out big time.

Other trippy things happened. Like the stuff with my mechanical pencil at work that was missing for a week. Then it mysteriously appeared in the pen holder which I emptied many times looking for it. Hmmm. Curious…

What else…I have no idea.

People with exciting lives are out there!  I don’t know if I’m supposed to be doing anything about that fact…While I have no particular desire to join them, I really don’t know what to do with myself and this disturbs me a little.

Oh EM eff Gee. They are playing “we belong together” by Mariah Carey.  Perhaps there is meaning. Perhaps there is nothing at all. Either way, it’s one or the other. AH yes I had too much coffee. I think coffee will be harder for me to give up than meat. I thought I weaned myself onto juices and teas successfully, but once I get sad, I turn to my coffee and become extremely excited and happy about everything.

I haven’t heard from my friend that fixes me up on blind dates without telling me…that’s just as well since I just don’t wanna deal with that kind of thing right now.

Okay. So if I associate myself with people – anyone – does that automagically come with drama? It seems to be so for the most part. People in general stress me out.  I also stress myself out…but not as much.

I guess I should go home now to leave room for the people who are just coming in. Ah but I love this coffee shop!! The one closer to my house is cold and their wifi doesn’t work. Plus it’s close enough to my house that I might as well be home. MEH.

I think things must be getting better. People don’t seem to have that LOVE or HATE reaction thing going when they meet me. It’s great to meet the people who really like you. But then it sucks to meet the people that hate you. It’s such a mood swing to meet people. This is why I choose to hang out alone much of the time. But since peoples’ reactions to me seem to be evening out, maybe it’s just a matter of me being more comfortable with who I am again.

Okay MUST LEAVE COFFEE SHOP. I can go home and do the same thing.

That topic ought to be broad enough to cover my scattered/random way of  blogging, yet still be on topic. It is a cop out, but who cares.

SO this week has been alright for the most part. I’ve been pretty quiet at work, and that seemed strange to some people. But I’m okay with it. I’m regarding some types of conversation to be a waste of my energy so I’m just going to talk much less. I kind of like it.

Strangely, I’m finding myself addicted to Twitter after sort of ignoring it for a year. Maybe people are not so annoying in 140 characters or less.  Including me. I’m following a lot of people and a lot of random people are following me.  I guess for marketing purposes, maybe not so much to see what I’m doing…Which brings me to the question, do you need to be promoting something in order to be on Twitter? It seems to be almost a requirement. But maybe I’m thinking this only because no one I know actively uses twitter. I thoroughly enjoy the @tweetbomb -ing. It’s kind of fun, like playing the lottery for tweetbombs.

I got a huge Avon order, but now my apartment is a mess with Avon boxes all over the place.  Time to sort and pack everything…

San Diego is actually not too bad. I think if the whole garbage/neighbor issue was solved, it would make matters easier. There’s also the work issue…I wonder how I can fix that? I need to act on money making ideas.

Today was my catch up on sleep day. Normally, it is Friday, but I had to go to Kaiser.  It’s evening now, but I need to start cleaning. I also started growing some bean sprouts!!! I can’t wait. I love bean sprouts.

This week, I also came to some terms with a few of my personal issues dealing with love and stuff about committment. I’ve stopped freaking out about it all the way I have been for the past what…few years? It all kind of clarified when I read Steve Pavlina’s posts on Polyamory and Jealousy.  Not that I’m suddenly polyamorous. I just came to understand a few of my personal issues through his posts. And actually, those were my major battles in my inner turmoil war. Not that it’s over…just kind of clear. My insides are just silent. That’s pretty nice for a change.

Since I got back, I’m noticing that I’m not liking food as much. This happened last year  just before I got addicted to tomato soup for a period of time. Before that nothing seemed worth eating. Maybe I should try the tomato soup again because all I’m consuming are hot drinks. And cashews. Maybe in a few days those sprouts will be nice…Time to take a trip to Trader Joe’s for some more tomato soup.

I just found out that I didn’t win Mega Millions on Tuesday. I usually play it only when i’m around people who are really into playing lottery. Like my parents…and my ex-bf. So I guess I won’t be playing for a while…

I guess all there is to do right now is to clear up my clutter. I wish my apartment looked as clear as I feel.

Coffee shops kick ass!!!!!! I am at the Living Room Cafe. ANd it’s fucking…ummm…kickass!!!!

YEAH. I’m having trouble sticking to one topic and focusing on it. Not working for me yet… It’s like I only have a little to say about a lot of things. Maybe I should just make Twitter my main blog.

I had dairy products today. Dairy makes me bloated. I am now sitting down hard. The end.

Note to self: From this point forward in this blog, each post must have a unifying theme.  Practicing not being fuzzy wuzzy.

I’m back in San Diego and I guess it is not so bad.  I missed my plants and my bed that has a memory foam topper. I was starting to get all weird and broody up in the Bay Area, so I guess maybe it’s time for me to be a hermit again. Though I would prefer to be a hermit up there instead of down here, I can re-emerge from solitude at will over there. Here, I can do it only up to a point.

I was horrified to find that my modem/router was not working when I got back. So for a few minutes there, I was disconnected. Finally fixed it!  I’m surprised to note that the social networking thingy that I would have trouble living without is Twitter. Weird because I don’t really know very many people on twitter. I just mostly follow a bunch of strangers, who I guess I must be somewhat obsessed with? Not really. I just enjoy the little snippets. I like knowing what total strangers are doing. So it’s like stalking except you’re not invading privacy, they are just telling you. Anyway, Facebook can kiss my butt.

SO. Alarm is set for 5 am. Heater is on. And I’m contemplating just wearing my clothes for tomorrow to bed so I can just roll out and go.

I guess the whole polyamory thing on Steve Pavlina’s blog kind of threw me for a loop because it seems to be addressing most of my nagging issues. I mean, I do think it is cool that people can do it. If it results in more joyful people in the world, then it’s all good with me. But me, I just need to calm down. I think this whole vacation, I’ve been thinking a lot about couples and things…and I see more upsetting partnerships than anything. And then finding out the attitudes that my parents have about love and things like that…UGh. Well, even as a kid their thinking about this issue always bothered me. So things concerning love and all that? I’m looking all over the place for examples…but yeah, all i’m finding is despair and possible hopelessness.  I kind did my exteme detachment thing while I was still with my family. Ha. I guess my default action when I get all blubbery about something is detaching. All right all right.

Anyway, I forwarded a link to Rogerio SP’s polyamory blog posts.  I think he’ll get a kick out of it. I always forward him stuff from SP’s blog and he always seems to get all inspired.  He’s a cool person that I respect for always trying to improve himself–he’s doing those pickup things for his own personal reasons, which I understand completely about…but of course I let him know my initial gut reaction to such things. I’m just curious to see how the pickup stuff goes.  Some of those rules that he’s been spouting seem pretty true. It would be interesting to see it in action. Though I doubt anyone would want me to be their wingman

I guess I should sleep. WORK in a few hours. Let me diminish it by typing it in lower case–work.

I guess I’ll continue in my default mode – detaching – until I figure out what to do with myself next. I have to say…for the last 2 years, i’ve tried not detaching–it ain’t pretty, that’s all I have to say about that. SO yes. detaching until I figure stuff out.

I’m a day ahead, when I should be savoring what’s left of my vacation.  No I haven’t slept. Insomnia is back. I mean, if the insomnia MUST happen, then it should happen on Sunday night, not Thursday.

Everyone around me is so solemn and here I am to match. Here are the issues that people seem to be facing…the trends for the people around me:

• starting a normal holiday-free work week on Monday
• issues of authenticity–what’s real, what’s important in life–I guess people are making their resolutions

I just found the second one strange, because it seems everyone is experiencing this in some form or another and this wasn’t so greatly emphasized on other years. Just observing…no biggie.

Even though enjoying food and stuff with my family was nice this holiday, I honestly will be happy to get back to my normal more healthy diet. Every time I go back home to the food and restaurants I used to enjoy, I keep finding that they aren’t as good now as they were in my memory. Maybe my taste is changing. I’m also not enjoying the food in SD the same way I used to.

Yeah this is all just mental diarrhea from being up all night and dreading going back to the normal day-to-day. Eh. This is a venting space after all. And I’m trying to change my relationship with writing, which is slowly improving even if it’s just venting.  It’s almost like my relationship with singing. My goal is to make an audible sound, whether or not it is pretty, since my problem is more volume than anything. Once I can hear myself and feel comfortable making those sounds, I can refine it further.  Yeah first things first or whatever…bleeh. But I DO think this is mostly lack of sleep talking. And no, I’m not sleepy. I’m just tired and wired.

My Dad has switched from blasting Yanni to Neil Diamond. It’s cool and all, but I think I need to hear something else for a while…

I wonder if I have a place in the world…

I think this new year promises to be interesting. Uhm. Yeah, you know how I dreamed that I was getting married right? In the past few weeks that I’ve been here, I had 3 separate dreams of getting  married. WTF? And one of those days my sister also dreamed that I was getting married. Again. WTF??! It’s all cute and sweet to think about but really, right now I feel those sort of thoughts and fancies belong in the distraction category to me right now.

And these were vivid dreams, that I’ve learned over the years tend to be somewhat predictive. SO. What ? Am I getting married? On first thought I like the idea, then on second thought, I’m thinking…noooooo waaay, stop thinking this nonsense and get over it! Maybe it’s a trap.  Of course this could all be symbolic. But in any case, this is predictive. And important because it was repeated.  3 times. That really doesn’t happen. If it is symbolic it is probably an integration of opposing forces resulting in creation. Which very well could be.

Aside from that, vacation was very restful and peaceful, a state of being which I completely need as much and as often as I can get it. I feel the approach of going back to San Diego, my apartment and work.

One of my most immediate and specific resolutions is: Don’t get tricked into going on a blind date again by taking a long break from the people who lie to you in this way.

Okay, not that the date was bad. I just really really really don’t appreciate that it was forced on me because someone failed to mention to me that it was a blind date. I really hate being deceived, especially when someone conveniently “forgets” to mention that it is a blind date because they know I will say no.

Another thing that must be done is for me to find a place of peace so that I can do some work. My apartment is not that place anymore. So I have to find a good library or coffee shop. This is probably the number one most important thing I need to do. Find a peaceful workspace to work on things that I must work on. It’s my way out of bondage.

Work. I need to maintain what I started. I can be friendly with people but don’t try so hard to be friends. I’m getting over that. I’m there to work. I respect and like the people I respect and like. I stay away from the people I must stay away from. And everyone else I must take a friendly but very very detached approach.  Don’t share personal life details. Keep your soul somewhere else.  This is all temporary anyway.  This is working for me, and it feels right. DETACH DETACH DETACH. And I actually feel better and enjoy work more, surprisingly.

I was all psyched to do reviews on Yelp. But I guess that wore off. Maybe that urge will come back again.

I guess the focus right now is to keep what is true and right for me together in a neat and tight bundle.  I don’t want superfluous stuff that will distract me from what Iwant and need to do. The things I am going for right now are finding peace, doing things that support my growth, working diligently on things that I need to do to be free. Anything outside of that, if it’s good, it’s a bonus, if it’s not so good, then it’s just irritation and distraction. If there are challenges in what I want to do, those really are not irritation and distraction, that’s  a challenge and it is a good thing.  But actually it boils down to this: Simply do the things you want to do because you know what is right for you. Do not be so easily swayed or led astray by others and don’t be a pushover–these distractions are hidden procrastination tactics, so don’t blame it on them if you get corralled into something you don’t like. Just say no!!!!!!

I follow Steve Pavlina’s blog. I think it’s very inspiring. Today I read about his thoughts on marriage, polyamory, and love. I think they make sense even though it is controversial and a path that doesn’t personally resonate with me. Actually polyamory might have been the solution to the problems in my marriage  if I were a person open to that for myself.  I am not. I can grasp it at a mental level and I think what he says about love and all that…yes, I think it’s all true. You can’t put it in a box, that is exactly it. Marriage is a pretty outdated institution and it’s man made. I totally agree to that.

I’ve expressed this much to my ex husband while we were married. Because he was facing the same sort of crisis. I didn’t like the idea, but I presented it to him so he would know his feelings were natural. BUT I also made it clear to him that wasn’t really the sort of love that I was interested in. So we separated, but I wonder if he is running into this sort of crisis in his new marriage. The same sorts of boundaries in marriage and committed relationships prevent us from being friends today…so I wonder…

I will admit the blog posts about polyamory disturbed me because I know what he is saying is true.  But at the same time, this is not the sort of love I want to experience. I think it’s cool and very evolved that other people do, but it isn’t for me. Maybe I grew up with too many fairy tales. Maybe I watched too many movies about THE ONE. I don’t know. Despite knowing all that about love not being contained…I really know this in my heart to be true. I think I do want a love that is…yeah I know what I want. The whole happily ever after thing with just two people…it wouldn’t bother me if he were also emotionally close to others, but I think the physical intimacy thing bothers me.

But in any case what I want is that “special” type relationtionship that many books and things warn about. Maybe unrealistic. But that sort of relationship has got to exist somewhere, right? Why would people even know about it? Why would people write about it? In all the people out there, there have to be some that experience this sort of unrealistic, monogamous, close and intimate relationship and can make it last, right? And nothing is impossible. So.

I think last year I already made the decision that if a relationship couldn’t be the way I wished for, naturally and easily, then I would rather be alone. I would rather abstain from romantic, intimate relationships completely, than live something that just wasn’t right for me.  I always believed that I was here on earth for the purpose of  experiencing  and expressing a certain kind of love and making it last…unrealistic or not, it exists even if it is just in my heart I feel that in this life this is what I want. Leave polyamory to another life, maybe it’ll be for me then.

In any case, if I think about it too much I’ll render my life meaningless and I know that it is not.  So I better get back to what I want to do now. I’m glad people don’t really know about this blog to witness the mess I’m trying to clean up :p

Dream:

I was in a remote town in another country in another time…sorta. I was living there. I’m not sure why. I don’t think it was permanent.

A caravan of men were passing through town & were staying a few days. I showed them around.

I guess I was special and beautiful and enchanted or something. Everyone treated me that way.

I guess some of those guys fell in love with me. One was very rich, another was a leader of great fame & importance…meh. I ended up falling for the man who was the most creative and to me he was also the most handsome.

Anyway we were perfect for each other… Ok, the dream fast forwards from here. as the scene unfolded, I also had premonitions about what I knew would happen in the future. I think he was supposed to die later. We had a son. Ok. This is weird but the son’s birthday is 10/30/2011. It just popped into my head. And I was sad about him possibly dying but not terribly alarmed since it didn’t happen and we were preparing for a lifetime together & I hoped he wouldn’t really die.

While these premonitions were happening in my head, we were preparing to leave that town together. We were making different beautiful things & my work complemented his.

We really loved each other. The way I imagine it should be. Then I woke up. I kind of wanted to see the dream through… Our son performing in a play… If he actually ended up dying…

And now I wake up in a world where my official stance on love is that it is mythical. No one can be trusted and I’m not particularly enchanted or magical. Why have this dream? So maybe I can just leave my heart in dream land? Yeah. Sounds right. I’d like to think it is trying to prove me wrong. But I’d like to see it prove me wrong when I’m awake.

I’ve been writing a lot–amazingly, mostly on paper, and also on my offline journal. I am going to keep doing this regularly because I want to love something I used to love again. Trying to regain the skill of writing without venting and without fear. If it comes out lame that way, well at least I made an effort to have a relationship with the page instead of eating potato chips in bed, one of my many ways of coping with my helplessness with the writer’s block from 1994 that just never went away.

So I will attempt to do the things that seem somewhat threatening to me. Yeah, working on people’s web pages and writing and just plain interacting…all simple and harmless to the naked eye, but in my mind, potentially disastrous. I’m gonna give it a try. If I happen to suck at those things right now, I have to remember that there were times when I did not.

These pages will just be a lot of blah blah for now. But they are important to me, in that they are my attempts at action. I live in my mind most of the time and I think right now that is my weakness.

This sounds all dreary, but maybe it’s only the rain that affects the tone of this post. I’m very much looking forward to enjoying writing again.  Writing and everything else. There are so many people supporting me and my dreams…I’m so very thankful for that. I’m usually a hermit, that wants people away from me, but right now I think my desire for solitude is more about getting down to business with bringing everything out of my head and into the world.