Right now I know I’m feeling strong emotions, (resulting in the previous L.L. post.) but strangely I feel that I’m somehow being anesthetized to them. It’s like I know them mentally, but emotionally, it’s gone. It’s not like I’m on drugs or anything…though I did take Mucinex, which I was told contains an ingredient people use to homebrew crystal meth.

Maybe I should go back to working at work…

moar funny pictures

 

I am now stretching out the work I have and saving it for next week. Instead I’m buying a new wardrobe. Maybe I need to go back onto the adult friendfinder…(by the way, my adult friendfinder post is left hanging. I may never complete it.)

 

Let me leave you with the song that is dripping in my head, silently, but steadily:

 

Momma said knock you out–L.L. Cool J

 

  Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin’ my peers
Puttin’ suckers in fear
Makin’ the tears rain down like a monsoon
Listen to the bass go boom
Explosion, overpowerin’
Over the competition, I’m towerin’
Records shock
When I drop these lyrics
That’ll make you call the cops
Don’t you dare stare
You betta move
Don’t ever compare me to the rest
They’ll all get sliced and diced
Competition’s payin’ the price
(CHORUS)
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
Don’t you call this no regular jam
I’m gonna rock this land
I’m gonna take this itty-bitty world by storm
And I’m just getting warm
Just like Mohammad Ali, they called him Cassius
Watch me bash this beat like a skull
Dontcha know I gotta beef wit’
Why don’t you rip with me, the maniac psycho
Cuz when I pull out my jammy, get ready cuz it might go
Blauh!
How do you like me now?
The reverand will not allow
you to get wit’ Mr. Smith don’t risk
Listen to my gear shift.
I’m blastin’, outlastin’
Colors like shaft, so you could say I’m shaftin’
Old English fill my mind and I came up with this funky rhyme
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Shadow boxin’ when I heard you on the radio
I just don’t know
What made them forget that I was raw
But now I gotta new toy
I’m going insane
Frontin’ the hurricane
Releasin’ pain
Lettin’ you know
You can’t gain or maintain
Unless you say my name
Rippin’
Killin’
Diggin’ and drillin’ a hole
Well I’ll pass your goal
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Shotgun blasts are heard
When I rip and kill at will
The man of the hour, tower of power
I will devour
I’m gonna tie you up and let you understand
That I’m not your average man
When I gotta jammy in my hand
Damn
Ooh
Listen to the way I slay your crew
Damnit
Damnit
Damnit
Damnit
Destruction, terror and mayhem
Pass me a …. I’ll slay him
Farmers (WHAT)
Farmers (WHAT)
Ready? (READY)
I think I’m gonna bomb a town
Don’t you never, ever
Pull my lever
‘Cause I explode
And my nine is easy to load
I gotta thank God
‘Cause he gave me this chance to rock
Hard… knock you out
(REPEAT CHORUS)

So today I actually have work. So you don’t have as many of the previously promised posts…You’ll get over it. I have less to whine about anyway since I’m busy.

What a difference having work at work makes! I’m happier and although still bummed about things in general, I’m alright. No need to make myself have anymore illnesses. I have no particular urge to do anything extreme…I’d say it’s a good day.

The reviews on various websites for my new Tsubo shoes, mentioned in a previous post, were bad, saying that they were uncomfortable and cannot be worn all day. How wrong they were…either that, or I’m used to really uncomfortable shoes.

Today I didn’t go to work. Yes, it was planned. I even extended the duration of my sickness by not taking any meds. I’m glad because I needed that. I KNOW I’ve been taking far too many sick days lately. Especially considering I get 3-day weekends every week. But I also know I dislike my life right now, especially my job and need to completely re-evaluate everything. It’s better than sitting in my cubicle bawling my eyes out, threatening to quit, trying to find a way to get out of San Diego, thinking of ways to degrade my life exponentially. Possibilities include: whoring, boozing, spending beyond my means and then faking my death and stealing someone else’s identity, etc. You get the picture. I like to brag that I never wanted to kill myself. I was just talking about my physical body. Apparently I wouldn’t have a problem selling my soul. I suppose selling your soul still provides a crevice for hope to enter…

So I haven’t been online until now…yeah. That was over 24 hours of not being in front of a computer. You’d think I’d die, but instead I thrived. That whole deal was completely refreshing. Time seemed to move slower. I felt less anxious. Plugged into the interwebs, I want answers to life, the universe and everything right now right NOW NOW NOW! (It’s 42) Unplugged, I feel more like who I really am. Like I’m living for real, not some speeded up, fast-forward version of myself that doesn’t get sleep and never has time for what she really wants to do. The need for instant gratification for answers to some of the confusions in life is gone. I got sleep…I slept most of the day. I feel kind of new.

For the bit of time I was awake during the day, I consulted an astrologer. We’ve been phone tagging for the past couple of weeks and finally today it happened. She totally got who I was just from looking at my chart. I tried doing my chart myself years ago, but my knowledge is such that I have trouble deriving meaning and prediction from the positions and relationships between the planets and houses. I have to look that crap up and then get a really bulky translation. Anyway, she said a few things, like my life is about communicating my truth and being heard…that’s the thing I need to overcome since I tend to block some of it off. (Though you wouldn’t know that if you read my blogs. Ha.)

She also said that I need a career that involves travel and/or activity and must involve helping people. DUUUUN DUNNN DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!! Okay. Now I must refer to the Sylvia Browne thing that I haven’t yet blogged about. So quickly, I was picked to ask a question and I ended up asking about my career. And Sylvia said, “I would like to see you in event planning and travel.” UHHHHH. I just stared at her blankly. It’s not something I would even consider, but uh, okay. I just said thank you and went to sit back down. I was so disappointed. Because what I do is nowhere near what she was telling me and I can’t even imagine doing what she said. I mean, event planning? I don’t even attend events or even leave my apartment for that matter.

Sylvia thinks I’d be a great event planner.

So back to the astrologer I talked to today. When she said my job would ideally involve lots of travel and activity, I remembered the crazy thing Sylvia said. Weeiiird. I thought about why I hated my current job. Months would go by and I’d have nothing to do. I’m in my little corner alone, sitting all day just surfing the internet. I get really depressed sitting there in my corner. And I don’t fit in where I work either, so I really don’t go out of my way to talk to anyone.

My ideal career must have: Lots of travel, lots of activity and must help humanity. Who am I, Angelina Jolie?

I also thought about why I loved my last job. I was always on the go. I always had something to do. I was always involved in different projects. And I really felt like I was helping to make a difference in people’s lives. Although it didn’t involve travel, it fulfilled 2 out of the 3 characteristics she listed as essentials for my ideal job. So there MAY be some truth in it after all.

So anyway, now I’m thinking of a new career and I’m not ruling the whole event planning thing out. The astrologer also suggested that I could also make a living doing tarot readings for people. (which is a highly feasible option in my opinion) She says I’m multi-talented and have a wide range of options open to me. She also said I might’ve been a writer in a previous lifetime, though I may not choose to use my gifts in this life. (Obviously I’m NOT making use of those powers.)

She also said the worst of my life is behind me. Which I totally agree with, despite recent setbacks. In all honesty, my life has only steadily improved since I left my ex-husband. It can only get worse if I make a conscious decision to run it into the ground. And yeah, sometimes I’m tempted. But I remember things I’ve weathered in the past, and from that perspective, my current problems are so trivial.

So it’s back to work tomorrow, which probably means more blog entries. I’m sure you all wait in eager anticipation…ha.

Okay, this is highly unlike me but, when I was covering for someone at the circulation desk (where you check out books), I totally yelled at students who were walking out as the alarm went off, not so much yelled as barked, as if I were holding up a bank or something…I think people were shocked that I even had a voice, much less a barking one…

But they pissed me off. Even though it’s probably not them, which I usually assume. It pisses me off that they just ignore me when I very nicely ask to come back. For some reason, nowadays when what I say is ignored, I get extremely pissed.

The guy goes, “it wasn’t me”. Whatever, I don’t care. It’s my stupid job to ask you to come back and go through another time. You can make off with a backpack full of books for all I care…But if I’m standing there and you’re walking out while the alarm goes off, it is my duty and obligation to make you walk through it again. Also, it’s common courtesy to speak when you are spoken to.

Turns out that it was someone with a public library book that was walking in. Geez.

The point is, I wasn’t listened to. And that was what came out. I know where that particular issue is coming from. People always ignoring what I have to say. People pretending I didn’t say things that were important. At the very least those things are important to me…

For about 2 weeks now, as each day passes, I do a new weird thing. Not weird as in quirky, closer to weird as in, insane.

Though it probably won’t…

Yesterday was a horrible day of loneliness and illness both (mental and physical). I’m hoping that I stay sick through Wednesday. I’m not taking medicine so I can call in sick with honesty tomorrow. I don’t want to take part in the stupid booksale.

I also spent a good part of yesterday buying excessive pairs of boots, which thankfully I forgot to click all the way through to actually buy. I saved myself 400 dollars. However, I did manage to buy some wedge sneaker/mary janes that I’ve been drooling over for the past 4 months. They are just kind of weird looking to me, which means I require having them on my feet.

Tsubo

And today, I went mad and went shopping again, this time, I got the Clarisonic skin care brush–the limited edition breast cancer awareness pink one. I hope it’s as good as Oprah says. It is, after all, one of her favorite things.

Clarisonic Skin Brush

I probably shouldn’t buy anything anymore. Mailman Richard and UPS guy will have enough on their hands…Yeah, I’ll stop for them…

Gets me thinking…maybe it doesn’t matter what you dedicate your life to, as long as you dedicate it to something…So I could dedicate my life to Mailman Richard, or the UPS guy, or some other random person to believe in and they don’t even have to know it. You can just secretly devote your life forever and ever. Eww. I’m seeing the flaw in this thinking because I had that same thinking a few years ago and look at the trouble THAT caused. Okay, scratch that. It’s dumb. Well, maybe it’s not so bad if you dedicate secretly…like a secret santa except you’re devoting secretly instead of outwardly. There’s no harm in doing good as long as only you know. HMMM…

I still need to blog about the Sylvia Browne event. The sound effect that best describes my reaction to that is the Scooby Doo sound. You know that sound he makes when he’s puzzled.

Okay I suddenly have work to do at work.

and also work.

I’ve decided. I’m going to look in other cities for jobs. And if a better opportunity comes along, I’ll take it. It became even more clear to me when I burst into tears upon landing in San Diego. All I have here is this crappy library job that I don’t even like. Sounds like a T-shirt idea: “I live in San Diego and all I have is a crappy job and this crappy t-shirt” Any place is better than San Diego.

This sucks. I don’t really want to go back to San Diego. There’s nothing there. It’s a wasteland of…waste. Even though I spent the whole time here in the east bay which I’m unfamiliar with, it was nice. There’s a huge difference between doing lazy stuff alone where people don’t give a shit and doing lazy stuff with people that you actually talk with and care about you.

Ehhh. I’ll upload some pics. I didn’t take very many. Mostly of the parrot, Ryoko and the dog, Howlie. And my nephew, trying to pay the check at Pacific Buffet (with his Sponge Bob wallet). My sister may have taken more pictures, but I’ll get that from her later.

Thxgiving was quiet with immediate family and my sister’s boyfriend. It was just regular dinner. No special stuffs. We are kind of sick. Actually I was pretty sick. But I’m holding it off with vitamins…and I’ll let it out when I want to be at work least, which is Wednesday when it’s the booksale.  It’s good to plan sicknesses.

Don’t feel like uploading at the moment. I’ll just watch Gokusen with my sister now.

Yeah, I decided at the last minute to go visit my family in the Bay Area. I’m glad I did.

It’s like living a completely different life, you know? The people know me as a different person and I feel it’s more in keeping with who I really am.  I’ve also broken the cage that is San Diego, where I have these depressing routines and thought patterns. Where I desperately cling to the bit of happiness I thought I found there. It appears my attempts at life in San Diego are futile.

So I’ve been calm the past few days. I’ve been peaceful and happy…San Diego seems so far away, almost like a bad dream.  But I guess I’ll be back there soon enough. I’ll step back into the suit of broken-heartedness and waiting…for who knows what. Makes me want to travel more. Makes me want to move somewhere else…

I’ll talk about the Sylvia Browne event I went to on Monday night later. It was interesting…But I guess I’ll just do other stuff.

That Dr. Rey bodysuit…the one I got from HSN. I think it does a good job on the tummy  and other parts, but I think for the boobs if they are freakishly big (even though you buy it according to your bra size), IT SUCKS. I needed to wear an extra bra for it to be okay. Maybe if the boobages were smaller it would be a more effective bodysuit.

KThxBai.