Just realized something. I don’t like to talk about any sadnesses or frustrations to people in person anymore. I don’t I don’t I don’t. This seems to be a new thing for me. Yes, I complain all I want in the blog. But I do not want to talk about it in person or on the phone or on IM. It has become a sour thing for me. It’s just something I don’t feel right with anyone about anymore. So if I gripe about it on my blog, don’t expect me to talk about it in person. YOU may gripe all you want. Doesn’t bother me. But there are just parts of me that I don’t think I will share with anyone anymore, unless they happen to be on the blog. And most of you are strangers anyway…

And if you see me crying in person, just leave me alone because I don’t want to talk about it. Crying is a difficult thing for me to stop, I don’t do it for attention, so please, do not pay attention. You are witnessing a private moment that wish I could stop, but I don’t wish to share.

Why oh why did I have to come back tonight? I must be stupid or something…(you don’t have to agree with me, I’ll take your silence as confirmation)

Looking down at the SF Bay Area from the plane, I can’t help but wonder why I keep leaving such a beautiful place. San Diego has nice weather and can be pretty if you look at it close up, but from the air, it isn’t much to look at. The Bay Area is green and beautiful…with all the bridges spanning the different parts of the bay… Ehh. Maybe I’m biased because that was where I grew up…

And they have cool laws and things like only allowing biodegradable spoons…(Okay i don’t know this for a fact, but my sister said that all the plastic spoons given out in SF restaurants MUST be biodegradable. She told me this when I was having tomato soup while she studied for her final.)

I also lack the strong urge to spend all my future life savings on random outfits and electronics when I’m up there. Now that I’m back here in the south, URGE TO SPEND…RISING.

I guess SD isn’t all bad. My wonderful favorite neighbor picked me up from the airport. I thought I was going to take the bus and trolley home again, but she called to tell me that Mailman Richard was freaking out because I was gone so long and let the mail pile up. He has horror stories of people being robbed when their mail piles up. She kept my mail for me. Sucks she’s moving, but I hope to keep in touch.

Ahh. I guess tonight I can only be reached via Animal Crossing on the DS . So if you have a DS and Animal Crossing and WiFi and want to connect towns, contact me here and maybe we can visit towns. Maybe even do a countdown to New Year. Ugh. Coming back tonight was a complete stinky brainfart. Ah. Let me stop depressing myself. I’ll put on a new dress and pretend like my life is special. That there’s stuff to look forward to in the New Year…Yeah. Fake it ’till I make it…

Animal Crossing–Nintendo DS. Be there. Or be non-existent. On Animal Crossing.

My town gate is now open. Please don’t trash my town.

My family is now obsessed with Charice Pempengco. She’s 15, Filipino and can sing. My dad sent me the links to her videos, one from the Ellen show and the other from a Korean show called Star King. Wow. I immediately showed my sister and we were in tears from her performances. WOWWW. So we all started obsessively searching for more Charice on the internet and you’d hear her voice erupting from our various computers and laptops.

Charice on the Ellen show: 

Charice on Star King: 

I was just on one of the blogs I regularly read and she spoke of following your bliss…It made me wonder, if I actually followed my bliss, would it take me someplace I wanted to go? Have I ever really followed my bliss?

I think I have for brief periods of time, and when I was, I was going all sorts of places I wanted to go. Even to where I never knew or realized I wanted to in the first place.

But what happens when you can’t find it? You lose it. You look in the direction of what you think is happiness only to find that it doesn’t make you feel so great. Closer to anxiousness and worry…what am I supposed to do, abandon my wishes for something that’ll make me happy now? Do you just go chasing bliss every which way? I’d prefer to just have it come to me.

_________whatever I’m just working crap out in my mind___________

Anyway, I’m here with my parents and sis and nephew. It’s certainly refreshing. It makes me question this San Diego lifestyle I’ve chosen. It seriously feels like some crazy cult or something. Like brainwashing. Like working at the Disney Store. Or choosing to consume only liquids. Like living in isolation and speaking only to cats and plants. I’m sure you get the picture. So I will ever so subtly and discreetly drop the topic and move on…

My phone finally regained full functionality, after yesterday’s snowballing problems of cell phone mass destruction. At the end of the day, they fixed it so I could make and receive calls again. Finally. And just now I fixed the settings on my cell phone CORRECTLY so I am now able to access the internet and receive text and picture messages. I’ve also enabled Edge. What a relief.

I registered for Comic-con!!! IT’S EXPENSIVE. I should have signed up right after comic-con this year. My friend who I met on the Adult Friendfinder reminded me. Thank goodness. I’m sure they would’ve sold out. I did not hesitate, because those who hesitate, end up not going to comic-con.

What was that, you ask? Did someone just say, Adult Friendfinder? Yeah, I guess I didn’t discuss that excursion into self-destruction. I planned a post, but there’s nothing to post really… I was going through upsetting emotions, and wanted to run my life into the ground by venturing into the potentially dangerous, disgusting and degrading. Kill myself? No…never. Sell my soul and turn my life into a living hell, where perhaps someone else might kill me…oh yeah, quite possibly. So yeah, people hit bottom in different ways.

Anyway, adult friendfinder was more interesting than anything. It was very interesting to see how many messages you get by putting the bare minimum on your profile and not even posting a picture. I got a ton. Some messages were obviously creepy with graphic photos. Others were surprisingly normal, like you were meeting on a site like eharmony.com or something. One guy was trying to convince me that meeting someone on adult friendfinder was no different from meeting anywhere else and the whole sex thing didn’t even have to fit into the equation. Yeah, that could be true, BUT it’s like the difference between meeting a person at a club and meeting them through friends. The chances are greater that it is all about sex. It is the adult friendfinder after all. What the hell was I doing there in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right…attempting to ruin my life even more…now it all falls into place.

Anyway I made one friend on there before deleting my profile– he’s pretty cool. I’m sure I made it clear to him that I wasn’t interested in those kinds of, um…relations. He says he’ll treat me to lunch @ comic-con. Since, he too, is a big comic-con fan. I’m still a bit iffy about it. But as far as I know, he seems pretty nice.

I guess in my heart of hearts right now, the relationship that I’m really looking for (other that the one that I’m completely betting my heart on) is a sort of older brother figure. Someone I can be close with, that doesn’t feel “that way” toward me. And I don’t feel “that way” toward them. And it never happened and it never will. Just someone you don’t feel that kind of anxiousness with…someone who can sort of be like family with me in San Diego. Someone who can help derail my one-track mind so I don’t have to be miserable as much. Someone to hang out with, when I’m desperately lonely and ready to run life into the ground. Someone who will help me carry stuff and help me with technical crap, even though they know I already know about that stuff.

I know it’s obvious I can take care of myself most of the time. That I never need help or anything…that I can carry my own weight plus someone else’s. But sometimes I want to be treated delicately, you know, more like a lady…I don’t think I give off that vibe. Even when random crazy homeless people attack me in the dark, no one even blinks an eye. If I get in a fight with a drunk man on the trolley…big whoop, I can handle it. I mean when this stuff happened, it’s not like I was completely frightened…mentally I just handled it and moved on. I know I don’t act all helpless and stuff, but I’m sure even Wonder Woman, or the Bionic woman are treated more like ladies than I am. I’m delicate dammit!!! I am not the princess of power!!!

Okay, I think I’ll have some cheese with this whine…that was a longer post than I planned…

My phone doesn’t work. I ran to T-mobile and got the sim card replaced and everything, but it turns out there’s a huge outage right now and they hope to resolve it in a few hours. Wow. I hope it works by the time I land in SFO tomorrow to call my sister. Or else I’ll be using the old fashioned payphone, with old fashioned coins.

I’m blah right now. I used to look forward to this time of the year. Now it’s just…ehhhh. Maybe things will be better once I’ve left SD.

So for the past few years, River, by Joni Mitchell has been my favorite Christmas song. I think I posted this other years on different blogs. So in traditional form, I will post the lyrics to this song because it so accurately reflects my feelings. And it just seemed to come even more true each year.

River by Joni Mitchell
It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on

But it don’t snow here
It stays pretty green
I’m going to make a lot of money
Then I’m going to quit this crazy scene
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
I wish I had a river I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I’ve gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
I wish I had a river I could skate away on

Oh, I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river I could skate away on

Copyright © 1970; Joni Mitchell

The cats are affectionate towards me again! Yay!

On Sunday, the smart cat followed me halfway to the trolley station. I don’t know why, but the distance is a little more than half a mile…so half of that is what the cat walked with me. Then she wandered into a bush and stared at me, like it does when I leave it in front of my door.  Ohh…I wish I could have a cat.

Then there’s the new kitten. It is the cutest cat in the whole entire world!!!! It’s all gray. And round. And sooooo cute!!!! It’s kind of like Nermal from the Garfield cartoons, except not annoying.  I think all those neighborhood cats are related because they all have gray in their fur. I wish I took a picture.

But this is close enough.

The smart cat also knows that I have to leave in the mornings. It comes in when I get up, eats, meows at me to turn on the faucet so it can drink water, and then it waits around for me to be ready to go. Now it follows me out the door instead of me having to drag it out.  She’s so precious and beautiful! See, this kitty, I know I can potty train and walk on a leash. POOOH. Maybe I should see if I can talk property management into letting me have a cat.

To sum up, I WANT TO HAVE A CAT!!!!

Uh yeah. Last time I posted, I was filled with rage, in keeping with the tradition of posting entries while I’m angry. But it seems to me the theme of this particular blog is breaking that tradition. So I’m going to apologize.

I take all the obscenities back. I take it all back except for the part where I need space. Yes. I do need space. I tend to come to conclusions/get over things quicker without outside input. Let me clarify this: This is only true when I’m at home or on my own time.

So work isn’t so bad. The problem is, I let bad attitudes fester because I think I have to stay in my cubicle of solitary confinement. I know having space is good, but for me it’s not so great at work for some reason. Every time I go out into the world, things are much better faster. At my last job, we worked in such close quarters and with so much human interaction, that I wasn’t allowed to keep a bad mood.There was simply no room for it. Here, I have plenty of space to brood over every problem in my life. And I’m under the illusion that I’m stuck in my corner with nothing else to do but dismantle every aspect of everything that is bothering me.

That all seems paradoxical or whatever to me. I won’t even try right now.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a kid that works at GameStop. Although he said nothing particularly earth-shattering, something in what he said made me realize that I like interacting with people when I work. Who would’ve known I’m a people person.

I’m sleepy. I’m at work. I just ate my lunch during my break. We are short-staffed. I had more to write but I’m just gonna nap during my lunch break in a couple of mins.

I remember asking some guys in high school to teach me to do the D&D thing, but they ignored me. Sheesh…Well today I’ve taken a quiz and now I know what character I am.

I Am A: Neutral Good Human Druid (4th Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-13

Dexterity-12

Constitution-12

Intelligence-16

Wisdom-17

Charisma-15

Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Druids gain power not by ruling nature but by being at one with it. They hate the unnatural, including aberrations or undead, and destroy them where possible. Druids receive divine spells from nature, not the gods, and can gain an array of powers as they gain experience, including the ability to take the shapes of animals. The weapons and armor of a druid are restricted by their traditional oaths, not simply training. A druid’s Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that they can cast.

Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good —– XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Neutral Good —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)
Chaotic Good —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Lawful Neutral — XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (19)
True Neutral —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21)
Chaotic Neutral – XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Lawful Evil —– XXXXXXXXXXX (11)
Neutral Evil —- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Chaotic Evil —- XXXXXX (6)

Law & Chaos:
Law —– XXXXXXXXX (9)
Neutral – XXXXXXXXXXX (11)
Chaos — XXXX (4)

Good & Evil:
Good —- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Neutral – XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Evil —- XX (2)

Race:
Human —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (15)
Dwarf —- XXXXXXXX (8)
Elf —— XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Gnome —- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Halfling – XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Half-Elf – XXXXXXXX (8)
Half-Orc – (0)

Class:
Barbarian – (-2)
Bard —— XX (2)
Cleric —- (0)
Druid —– XXXX (4)
Fighter — (-4)
Monk —— (-21)
Paladin — (-21)
Ranger —- (-2)
Rogue —– (0)
Sorcerer — (0)
Wizard —- XX (2)

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

 

I was awake for a few hours then immediately went back to sleep. I’m just waking up now. There’s just nothing for me to be awake for, so why bother? Am I being too negative? Yes? Okay okay…I have my laundry folding to look forward to…Umm…maybe it’s time to go back to sleep now.

 

The latest in xkcd goodness

 

Yesterday was fun. Hung out with my friend, who is leaving for Bolivia in a couple of days and I won’t see her until late January. We ran around doing errands, then ate pho. We ended the evening at the People’s co-op market, where they had much music, dancing and organic food. I stocked up on my cartons of tomato soup.

 

Tomorrow evening I’m supposed to get dressed up and have dinner with another friend, probably to celebrate the holidays and the birthday I flaked out on last month…and she said something about hoochifying ourselves, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

 

So I guess stuff isn’t so tough. And perhaps hoochifying is a wise thing to do. I honestly haven’t hoochified in over 10 years…maybe that’s what’s missing in my life. Maybe that’s what I need to wake up to. Ugh. Somehow that doesn’t bring very lovely images to mind…

 

I’m turning my phone off. It’s just one of those nights/weekends (when using your phone is free) when I just don’t feel like it. My heart is balancing very delicately and I don’t want to mess that shit up. Sure, it’s selfish of me. Go ahead and make your accusations that I’m being selfish. I already know this. I don’t care. But I’m looking after my own heart. And the one thing I’ve learned over here is that no one else will look after it if I don’t. I used to be the person that forgot about all my own shit in favor of all the matters of the rest of the world and maybe I still am. But seriously, at this point in time I am not strong enough. I’ve found that being here in SD, I have de-evolved. I’ve neglected things that need to grow and now I have to make up for it. And sometimes I could swear that people only seem to want me around when they are sad. As I mentioned in another post, misery loves company. My sadness seems to cheer people. But I want my misery to be gone. So even though it may love company, I’d prefer not to entertain it and watch it grow like Scooby Doo’s Chia head, even if it does make people feel better. I’ve had it with misery. I just want to be happy for something. To be happy for people.

 

So if you don’t like this post, don’t freaking fire off a guilt-inducing e-mail of false apology saying you are sorry to have disturbed me or taken up my time. Fuck off!!! I’ll tell you that right now before you even write that. I know what the hell you’re doing and I’m not falling for it. If you really were sorry, you wouldn’t write me in the first place. Fuck you. Fight for your own life instead of coming here and making judgments on mine and trying to make me the same as you. Maybe I am. But I’m fighting the demons with all my heart. I’m trying not to shrink or shrivel here. Just because I’m having a similar experience, doesn’t mean I’m going to complacently accept a sad fate and suddenly understand your lack of fight.

 

I figure my real friends support this revolution in me. And know that I’ll be back someday. When I’m closer to being the person that I aspire to be, instead of just another person who has fallen. It is very difficult, that is why I’m all over the place with my emotions. I hope someday that how I feel will be more consistent and even. That the reflexes to protect myself that I don’t need will be gone.

 

Yeah I do have some friends that I hang out with. But they aren’t so close that they are emotionally invested in my misery. I don’t think they are even that way. And they are fighters in life…always reaching for the positive. Mostly we just try to learn new things and believe in things…

 

I know people probably go on this blog and look at some of the “weird” things I occupy myself with and think what a loon I must be. But you know what? Whether or not this stuff is true, I choose to believe in it before judging it. I want to believe. Not saying I’m throwing practical analysis out the door. I don’t. But I actually want to see for myself if some of this “way out” stuff is real before dismissing it as crap. Soon, I hope to be able to apply this concept to people. Ha. I guess maybe the thing I need to believe in is people…I hope that comes eventually.

Raging at work

Originally uploaded by isleofview4ever

Okay whatever I’m pissed. I keep disliking my job. No…it’s not the job. It’s the people. So my solution for the day is to put up passive-aggressive signs. It sort of makes me feel better.

I also get this really sick sort of glee after I’ve said or done something to make someone uncomfortable. To watch them look down, to watch them shift. To see that finally, they understand the point and they know you’re on to them. I guess I can be sort of confrontational in that way…I never used to be. I swear, this job has only brought out the worst in me. I never knew I had the ability to be such a wretch.

My work is really the only tie I have to San Diego. It’s my reason for being here. It’s so much easier to live your life when what is keeping you in a place is a nice place to be. Life is living hell, if what keeps you in a place is much the same.

Although I loved my old job, it just wasn’t paying the bills. And it was an inconvenient commute. I came into this job, excited that I would be learning something new. Wondering what sorts of cool people I would meet here…(I did meet some, but doesn’t mean I want to work with them.) Now, a couple of years later, I just can’t stand it. The years go by fast at a job you like…they take forever at one you don’t.

When I talked to a former co-worker the other day. I felt so light and comfortable. I felt like I was the person I was meant to be. Like it’s a version of me that I want to live up to.

I guess real strength is when you live up to being that person when it is more difficult. Being your best in a more nurturing environment is easy. But how do I stay strong here, where attitudes are different, where I really don’t fit in…? So there you have it, my challenge…