I did all kinds of thinking on the way to the orthodontist today. It has wiped me out, so I won’t post a long entry. I’m sure it’ll come out in the course of normal blogging, but I’ll post some of the main points:
1. A little more than a month ago, I decided that my life, as it is, is completely unacceptable. And that it needs to change. I dislike my relationship with life, and the premises under which I currently operate. I want to be a better person, but do not know exactly how at times.
2. My strange and overly sensitive behavior is me dismantling some of my foundations and trying to establish something new. And re-establish what was lost. Perhaps I’m not doing it right, but I guess we’ll see. Trial and error is all I’ve got here. I’ve concluded that I need to do this somehow without demanding that people around me dismantle their foundations as well. Their foundations are not my business. So far the only solution I could come up with is avoiding people…I know I can’t keep that up forever.
3. Everyone has traits that they like to lord over others–brains, brawn, rocket science, looks, money, civilization, religion, opposable thumbs, weapons of mass destruction…I’m no exception. I think mine is some sort of moral integrity that I’m trying to possess. I don’t even really have my thing to brag about to make people feel bad and me like the queen, it’s not even tangible. That’s almost doubly sad. But the main point is, everyone is a snob about something. Try not to let it irritate you because you’re going to be irritated every two seconds at this rate.
4. Despite the weirdness, I have to go on with what I’m doing. My attempts to be positive, which sometimes become negative, are important. But I’m practicing. I’m trying to believe. Maybe one day my positive attempts which become negative, won’t become negative. I can’t stop walking just because the automatic doors aren’t sliding open when I think I’m close enough to trigger them. You know how you pause when you’re just short of the trigger point, afraid the door isn’t automatic after all. Keep walking. It’ll open. Unless it’s broken or the store is closed, in which case, run into the glass. But chances are, it’s open. Life is open 24 hours, people.
5. I want my wishes and my intentions behind them to match and to flow into something good. I do like who I believe I really am now, but my being is haphazard. I would like to live with more integrity. I’d like my beliefs in things to apply consistently to all areas of my life, not just when it’s convenient. I need to stop looking for betrayal from everyone around me. Stop being so ready with “the boot”.
That’s just a fraction of the thoughts that almost made me miss my stop this afternoon. I’m sure I’ll elaborate once I’ve regained my strength.
