I’ve uploaded all my WordPress entries to my thingy and I’m using Movable Type now.

It’s messy and the imported entries are not formatted. I’m using one of their generic templates. It ain’t pretty, but it’s a bit more permanent, which will be a good thing.

So, update your bookmarks. Go there instead for more griping and other adventures. I’ll take this site down soon. And okay, I’ll say it. Perhaps this is symbolic of something…yes?

I guess it doesn’t matter where you run. You still love who you love despite everything, even if it’s against their will. Your friends are still your friends even when they are irritating and crossing THE LINE. Even from far away, you’d still think of them. Even when you’re alone, you’re just not. THEY are there, influencing every action…every reaction.

These are facts that are simultaneously comforting and maddening.

I’ve self-helped myself into a tangle. I’m trying to cut the ties. I want to be free, but I’m a bit afraid of that idea. Instead, I want my freedom to include these ties, or links…or chains…whatever you want to call them.

And I’ve gotten so much advice all over the place…forget him, do what you always wanted to do, if you really love him and believe…wait for him, be patient, remove the negative, unhealthy influences that bring you down, be positive, find your people–your place in this world…do what makes you happy, be with people that make you happy…get up. Live.

It all sounds so brilliantly simple. In my happiest moments, life is so brilliantly simple and magical. For a while, it was.

I can almost pinpoint the moment I tripped and tangled myself up in this chain. It was the moment when it hit me that all that is precious can be lost. Before that, I thought differently…when life was filled with wonder, I had the conviction that despite comings and goings, nothing can ever be lost. How detached and happy that thinking was…I see the truth in both viewpoints now. So what does that say? I waver back and forth.

It almost seems the answer is to keep the world at arm’s length. Close enough to enjoy…be happy with people. But remain far enough away so any sort of parting will never cause any sense of loss. People can be close enough to observe, but detached enough not to affect our lives in any sort of way.

Here’s where I am:

In San Diego. I realize it’s for only one reason. I’m waiting for someone. And it is strange because I didn’t have this feeling when I divorced my ex-husband. I had the ability to let him go, despite the fact that he and I had an extremely close relationship. But this guy…this one that I wait for, to be absolutely honest, I know total strangers on the trolley better than I know him.

The whole job thing…whatever. I can do that anywhere. I’d like to change my whole career. But I’m confident all of that will work itself out.
So. I choose to be in San Diego. I’m not sure if I’m completely wasting my life. I’m being happy as much as I can. I’m also very lonely. I’m also learning about things I always wanted to explore. I’m making new friends. I know I can find someone to be in love with, someone who will love me back wholeheartedly. That wouldn’t be a problem, it’s easy to find such a relationship. It’s the specific person I wish to be with…and I’m not sure if he cares one way or another. Normally, I would cut him and everything that comes along with him off swiftly and mercilessly…that always was effective…I can’t bring myself to do it, my most effective way of coping with things.

My instinct in times of difficulty before was to run as far and as fast as I could. Now I instinctively want to hide under my blankets until I’m somehow found. That really doesn’t sound like such a bad idea…actually. And sleep for 100 years or something…excuse me…I only slept 2 hours last night and I’ve been here at work in front of this computer for almost 10 hours.

There is an outcome that I will not accept even if it’s the “adult” thing to do. If I see it going in that direction or I’m told it’s going in that direction, I will not hesitate to cut off all ties, quit my job get out of here…I’m serious. If I know nothing, at least I know that.  But so far, silence…and in this silence, hope holds vigil. Is it a chain? Is it a tie? Is it a bond? Oh well…in the meantime, it’s back to the cocoon…back to my slumber…back to my dreams…until I’m found.

Like when you listen to the radio and pretend the dedication to a person with the same name is you is actually to you. Like when you watch a movie or tv show and you’re suddenly the heroine or hero…when you sing and dance alone in your room and you become a superstar…Recapturing these feelings…collecting them for tomorrow…maybe today. Great, now Annie popped into my head “so maybe now its time, and maybe when I wake, they’ll be there calling me baby, maybe…”

I always wanted to have a post with that title, but I can’t think of anything to write to go with it. The title itself stands alone and speaks volumes really loudly–no post required.

I’m still sick. I stopped Isagenix for the time being. I’m doing a lot of crock pot cooking. I need the comfort food. I started it off with chicken soup and then I morphed the leftovers of the chicken soup into a chicken/mung bean/brown rice/veggie curry-like porridge. It was super good.

Threw out my once delicious red chocolate angel food cake with buttery cream cheese frosting. It is flavorless and stale after sitting a few days in the fridge. The shortbread(?) butter cookies are still good, so they are stored in plastic containers.

I’ve moved this blog to a different location so hopefully I will soon phase out this one. But maybe not, since I’m too lazy to do CSS and HTML stuff at this point.

Got the passport, which was pretty quick. Now I can leave the country. This opens up a whole world of new possible options.

I finally ate today…or am currently in the process of eating. I just took the bowl of salad I was forcing myself to eat and blended it into a smoothie. I guess I can’t even be bothered to chew stuff. Why didn’t I just blend a shake? It would’ve been much simpler. I DID throw some of that weird healthy green powder stuff into the blender with the salad as well as my 1 oz. daily dose of Ionix Supreme. The mug of salad smoothie still sits on my table, mocking me. I think I’ll throw in a packet of Emergen-C, just to make it weirder, in the most healthy way possible.

I think I’m officially sick now. A few days ago, I had my suspicions, but now my sinuses are clogged, my nose is stuffed, my face is hurting, my eyes are squinting. And there’s work tomorrow…And all I’ve done this weekend was lounge and liquefy food.

I think I’ll call it lounging from now on when I don’t even bother to get out of bed. It sounds less disgusting than what it actually is, which is being in my pajamas all day and not bothering to comb my hair. But I do bathe…I don’t completely lack hygiene.

Maybe I just lack any desire to have anything. Slept 2 (or 3? it’s so unclear) days straight instead. I’m sick, coughing. No food eaten. Whatever. No particular urge to go shopping for food or stuff I don’t need. Maybe I should feel that I’ve wasted my weekend but I don’t.

Yesterday was Isagenix cleanse day–the 3rd in the 30 day program. Got a super headache that kept me bedridden all day. I notice on cleanse days my sweat smells different. Either that or I’m hyper sensitive on those days. I can’t describe right now, but it smells different.

I think I got the super headache because the day before I totally went off Isagenix and had an extravaganza of baking, pizza and wings. The red chocolate angel food cake with cream cheese frosting was yum. I will note right now and I am not lying that I didn’t eat that many slices, just a couple. The rest is still in my fridge. I also made some shortbread buttery cookies shaped like hearts and flowers thanks to my cookie press. Sooo cute. I skipped the planned coffee Splenda meringues. Maybe I’ll make some to bring to work or something.

Today, I did not do isagenix for breakfast. I had a soft-boiled egg, a bowl of salad with no dressing and a cup of soup. Weird breakfast, but it was heavenly. Solid food kicks ass. And so does soup.

My friend is sick so Tai chi was canceled for today. I think I may be getting sick too. I’m not sure if Isagenix will help or hurt. In any case, the rest of my day will be shakes because I don’t forsee myself wanting much else.

[UPDATE] Another poop came out from the depths of my soul…and apparently, my soul is very very black…

It has been a very long time since I last was able to remember my dreams.  I used to have a vivid dreamworld that I always remembered the next day. Lately it has been non-existent. Last night I had TWO dreams that are probably meaningful. One is pretty straightforward, having to do with my “Burn the bridges” campaign. The other was weird and disturbed me, but I think it’s supposed to mean something. I should’ve written all this down earlier, but I’m suffering from the cleansing headaches.

The first, is the weird one that I don’t understand:

I was with my sister trying to accomplish something. It’s like we were either in a storefront or classroom or something…then I remembered my best friend from elementary school, Cassia. I’ve been thinking a lot about her lately because she was like a conscience for me. She kept me on track. She didn’t even pay attention to the bullies who had it in for me. She was just my friend who was steady and supportive. And always told me the right thing to do when I wasn’t doing it. When I was being dishonest, she would get me to tell the truth. I used to be so sad, because the bullies got everyone against me, even the teacher, that I’d threaten to kill myself on a daily basis. I’d do all kinds of weird crap. I’d eat pencils and plants that I thought were poisonous. But she always talked to me and made me feel like an important friend, despite everyone else. Even now, I admire her integrity as a person.

Back to the dream…suddenly I had a slip of paper. And it told me that the two people on the other side of that paper were already dead. That is why my attempts to find them have failed. The first person was Cassia and it said she died in 1998, her 5th grade picture was next to that statement. (I hope this is just serving as symbolism.) The other person was someone else I knew, but my memory doesn’t place them…I don’t remember if that person was a boy or a girl.

Suddenly Cassia was in the next room and I guess she was invisible to everyone else. She called to me and said she was helping me. She pointed at some fabulous high fashion boots displayed in an alcove. I could not even hope to own such an expensive and rare pair of boots. She says those are mine and they allow me to do great things. She is the guardian of the boots. I can take them when I want to use them. And she will advise me on their use if I feel like listening. Then she pointed to a mirror and said I can also gain advice from talking to this mirror. It was a very powerful mirror. I was afraid of the mirror. I mean, in my waking life, I dislike looking in mirrors in general…but I’m not AFRAID of them. I just don’t want to see what I look like. In the dream, I was deathly afraid of this mirror that is supposed to help me and advise me. No probs with boots…but mirrors? Maybe later….yeesh.

She kept asking me if I was ready. And I was like, for what? Apparently I have this alter ego, like I was Hannah Montana or something…(I’ve only ever seen that show once.) And this alter ego is powerful. And I guess, glamorous from the looks of the boots. She told me it’s time I did something…and I don’t remember the rest of the dream.

The next was about me burning my bridges with 2 people if a certain outcome happened as planned in my mind. I tied my relationships with two separate people into one bundle, the outcome of one affecting the other. Since they insisted I live this life completely objectionable to me. After I did it, I felt mildly uncomfortable and then I woke up. When I  woke up, I felt REALLY bad and heartbroken. I still want to do this despite that. But at the same time, I have the feeling that I need to see how the world unfolds for me before concretely deciding to cut 2 people off at once. Sometimes people are so detached that they are unable to see or care how it munches up someone’s heart. I think people don’t understand that. So I’ve been around people who are more caring and less cut-throat, so I don’t have to become cut-throat in order to protect myself. Guess this dream makes me stop to think since lately, I’ve been actually enthusiastic about slicing off.

I haven’t eaten yet today though maybe I should. I just sprung awake with the urge to bake things. Now I’m just running off the momentum of that.

I went to the supermarket and Target to get my baking ingredients…I’m only online to look at the recipes I’ve collected, for this, my baking extravaganza.

I don’t know how Isagenix will come into play today. I really should have at least had a shake. But I didn’t want to messy up my blender/food processor for my baking needs.

I’m not even really that into sweets. I just really like baking…

Decisions are decisions…so this is me doing my best not to make a big deal about mine.

[EDIT: I am censoring myself a bit more now. So I removed my blurb about pyromania...for bridges! Instead I have inserted the following cute picture...]

And I’ll change the subject…Found out Ollie has a gallery show in March. Wanted to go see it, but I might be required to wear something fetishy since it will be at the SF Fetish Ball. uhhh….I have some pleather pants? Umm…maybe next time…when I’m small enough to jump into someone’s pocket…