This year I'm volunteering at AIDS Walk instead of walking.

No, I'm not lazy. I always wanted to volunteer, but always took the walking route. Now that I have my practicum hours to complete for the event management certificate, I'm volunteering.

I'm trying to navigate their website to see if volunteers can raise funds as well. I think my fundraising record to beat is $700. So believe me, sometime before this weekend, I WILL hit you up for funds. (and on such short notice too)

Just fair warning while I gather the information…

Okay. Until now I only told one person about this, but I’ve been thinking about it pretty intensely lately. I want it pretty badly.

I keep imagining myself with an entourage of men… And they go around with me everywhere, to restaurants, bars, clubs, karaoke…everywhere! And each and every one of them has a strictly platonic relationship with me. They are there to guard my heart–to keep it from getting hurt anymore. They are the impenetrable barrier. To keep my broken heart from becoming even more broken. We’d hang out. I’d make them delicious foods. I can knight them. I can make them armor from aluminum foil.

Yes. This is the lazy woman’s fantasy way out of standing up and showing her strength. But honestly I’ve stood up and flexed my strengthtual muscles soo many times I cannot even count. I’ve bounced back from adversity quickly and efficiently as if I lacked emotion. Now that I have finally reached my limit, I’m tired. I need help. Protect me. Shelter me. Save me. In return I can offer…land and cattle…uh. No. I don’t have those things. You can have a helping of the huge jar of kim chee in my fridge. Sadly, that’s all that’s in my fridge.

Okay…the Craigslist ad for my impenetrable circle of knights will be going up soon. Yes…soon.

Yeah…I'm realizing that lately…and I think it's only lately, that I have a very offensive quality about me. I'm normally quiet and then once I start going I keep going and then I blab on until I realize I've gone too far. I've chased another person away. I wonder what I said…Perhaps this is the reason I stayed quiet for most of my life.

Actually this reminds me of when I was a kid. And I was a talkative kid. Extremely talkative and hyper. Until the adults told their kids not to play with me because God hates me. Uhm. Yeah.

So we've come full circle and I am once again a pariah. I can only sigh and tell myself, "God doesn't hate you…probably…"

So what is it about me? Do I lack social boundaries when I let myself loose? Like those children that were strictly denied sugar for most of their lives and then suddenly introduced to soda and candy…Completely out of control.

Well it comes now that I've chased so many people out of my life. On purpose. So now with everyone else, I'm doing it, by accident. Am I fated to be the crazy cat lady of the next generation? At the moment I'm so tired of everything, I probably have no problem with this possibility.