I was cleaning out my desk at work, taking down calendars and putting away toys and decorations just to remind myself that I won't be here forever. As I was cleaning, I found a stack of tiny slips of paper that I completely forgot about. Wishes.

A few months ago, I found that my doodles that I shoved underneath my in-tray came true or began to come true. So it became a sort of wishing well for me.

After a while I forgot about the things. But looking at the wishes today, I see that a lot of them came true. If they were huge wishes, I've at least been given the means to make them come true in a very solid way.

There were a couple that absolutely didn't come true. I threw those in the recycling bin last so i can figure out why. One of the wishes was to understand why the hell I am in San Diego if I hate it here so much. Why do I have to be stuck? The other one was wishing to be back together with my ex. And another one was to be okay with my friend who I cut out of my life at the same time as my ex. Eh. The last one that was a choice I made after years of thought, and my reasons for doing so, outweighed me being okay with her, so I'm sticking with it.

I'm guessing that me being here in SD still is about me taking action and not thinking so much that it leads to inaction. Everything is happening that way now. People are just fucking nagging me about my life and how I choose to abstain from pretty much everything…I'm fine with observing, I don't need to participate. What has participation gotten me? Yes. Into this fine mess you see before you.

But I suppose, the message is for me to participate, despite the fact that it often infuriates me. How about this…participating in what I choose to participate in…that sounds reasonable. I have to say that in general the people I am coming into contact with now, they are about DOing. Not analyzing or observing or theorizing. They don't get my mental/emotional BS. And admittedly, a lot of it is BS.

Well. I'm closing chapters…opening doors…all that symbolic crap you do when you move forward…Here's to better things!

I posted various calendars around my cubicle. I have this compulsion to put more up. An inspirational calendar here. An academic year calendar there. The crappy little pocket calendar that the union gives you. The dodecahedron. Astrology calendar. Quotation calendar. There's more, but you get the picture.

I feel like I'm counting down to an unforeseeable event, that will happen sometime, hopefully soon. It remains a mystery. Whatever it is, I'm anxious for it to come. It gives me something to hope for during these 10 hour work days, as I count down the hours and the minutes until I get to go home.

I feel like San Diego is rejecting me and I really need to leave here soon. What was once welcoming about being here has become cold and distant…and hostile.Or maybe I'm the one that's cold and hostile. Maybe I'm counting down the time until I get absolutely fed up with everything…maybe I'm waiting for some person or event to swoop in and save the day. Maybe I'm waiting for the energy to actually do something effective about all this myself. (Hey, it's not for lack of trying.)

Each day I'm closer to whatever that is. But really, is it absolutely necessary for the waiting time to be such torture? I guess the truth is, I know what I want and when. I'm just fuzzy on the details. And technically I can start it right this very moment. Okay…I'll stop with the venting and get on with it.

I haven’t done groceries in over a month so I’ve been living off bean burritos at Del Taco for lunch. They also have a survey on the back of their receipts that you can do online to get a code for a free burrito. So. some of those burritos were free. You do what ya gotta do.

Not too long ago there was a one day promotion at the Chipotles in San Diego county where you get a free burrito when you show them your library card. OOOh. Their huge burritos are worth 2 meals!!!!!! I didn’t think anyone would know about it, but when I got to the Chipotle in Hillcrest, the line was out the door and down the street. The lady behind me cynically said, “This is a sign of the times.”

Since I haven’t written in FOREVER, I’m not sure if I chronicled my money problems.  I don’t think in my case they are a sign of the times. They’re just a sign that I’ve been stupid and self-destructive. In a way, it was a choice between two vices when I’m depressed. Overeating and overspending. Hell if I’ll be 200 lbs again. So overspending it was! Woohoo. If you’re gonna go out, why not go out fabulously?  I went overboard with the purses, the electronics and the cosmetics. Yes. Cosmetics. I never used to wear a lot. Now…perhaps I am hiding behind a mask.

So anyway, I’ve been restructuring my whole money thing. No more credit card use. Do not eat out unless there is absolutely nothing to eat at home. Which actually was the case for the past few weeks and I had nothing but a gigantic jar of kimchee in my fridge. Okay. I suppose I could’ve lived off that. but no. Surely there is another way…

Anyway, I finally got some groceries. I really should do this once a week, even though they say it’s more expensive this way because of the increased chance of impulse buys,  but for me it isn’t a threat. My mode of transport is the bus and walking. I only carry what I really need to carry. Anyway, better to shop at the grocery store once a week than to stop at a restaurant at least once a day.

Well, I had a portabella mushroom that I ate with Korean BBQ sauce for dinner tonight and I have matar paneer for lunch tomorrow! Take that, 1/2 lb bean and cheese burrito!

The past week has been …educational because for the first time in a very long time a great many people have found the need to say something about me. Directly.

Some of it was useful…some of it, I realize i must take with a grain of salt.

Despite what people think, I have been looking forward to various things and have been generally happy…

I guess the part of my life that people take issue with is my love life. I don't know why, since it doesn't involve them. I am progressing, which some don't understand, or haven't seen me enough to understand…and it's slower than people would like.

Basically in this part of my life, I'm only seeking platonic friendships. I'm not even anywhere close to being ready to be in love. To me, the protection of my heart wins out over the chance at love. whether that makes sense to people or not…whatever. I had this fantasy that was very innocent, but it was laughed at, probably because maybe nothing is really that innocent in this world. So anyway, whenever I have dates, I communicate this to them and offer to fix them up with someone else…like a matchmaker, or a pimp. Somethin…

Anyway people have been telling me and I quote "The answer to all your problems is a good fuck." And more than one person has told me this. In fact, more than two. Separately and with no prompting from the others…Someone said that I'm shutting the doors on anything that resembles pleasure.

Okay. So I choose not to drink alcohol (which I'm allergic to). Or have caffeine (which I was very hugely addicted to not so long ago). Or smoke. Or eat too much meat. Whatever.

I want to see the world in my own way. I have stopped talking to people in general because when I see things through their eyes, love is vulgar. My heart wants to heal. I'm not keeping it from healing.It's just going at it's own pace this time, not this speeded up superwoman thing that people have come to expect from me. I just have to see the world in my own way. And I want to create it as beautiful. I just want to move toward seeing it from that perspective. That's all. And asking other people for their take on everything is not doing it for me…