I see that I need to get some personal blogging out of my system before I can do anything truly productive.

I’m here, at my parents’ house not sleeping and crying my face off because I have to fly back to San Diego in the morning.

It is clear that I no longer consider SD my home. I was not sure for a while there, I used to look forward to getting back to my own space, but now…I almost feel as if I can just leave all of my stuff there and just not take the plane back and forget my life in SD ever happened.

I know the exact thoughts that keep me up all night whenever I have to go back to work the next day.

I wonder if I just left that job, but stayed in SD, would I still desperately want to leave that city? I think I still would. I do have many great friends that I’ve met over the years…and hanging out with them makes me question why I want to go back to the bay area. A lot of my recent friends are people I admire and wish to be like. If I leave, I wouldn’t have so much of that influence in my life. But right now I can’t deny that being here brings me a huge amount of comfort. Comfort that is nowhere to be found in San Diego.

I dread going back. When I get back to work on Monday I will appear as if I had never gone on vacation because from this moment until next weekend, I won’t be able to sleep.

I want to be where my heart is safe. Why do I have to go back to SD?

Lately, a lot of my time has been spent, organizing and taking inventory of my thoughts and feelings and the things I intend to do about everything. This is completely out of character, but I’ve actually taken to it.  I suddenly find myself around others who are doing the same and we have become a kind of network of support. Positive, huh?

I wouldn’t say I’m happy sunshine girl, and by no means is everything I do positive. In fact, I am extremely negative at work and at this point I feel the best I can do right now is try to be indifferent, despite everything. View it as a town that I’m passing through that I will leave soon enough.

As soon as I landed in the Bay Area I felt like I belonged here and there was no conflict about where home is. I figure it means it’s time to come back. If I live here, I don’t think I will want to live in the areas where I grew up. I don’t feel that particular need. But I also don’t want to live where my family moved either. In any case, I do have a step by step plan that might take a few months to get off the ground.

I repeat certain things in these blogs because they are things that I need to solidify for myself. For example, I am no longer talking to certain people to make things black and white for myself. They hurt me repeatedly and they will never understand why. And although I do care for them and wish we were still okay, I know that I have to act as if they are poison and try never to see them again. Because to some degree they are poison to me. And I have no right to mess with their fundamental beliefs in how things should be. Just has they have no right to mess with mine. Our ideals conflict.  I cannot exist with them. I believe they will destroy me even if they don’t even mean it. And in defense, I will attempt to destroy them.  Right now, it’s just dealing with the wound that was never allowed to heal.

The best thing I can do now, is drop it all completely, and find a way to live a life where they never existed. For now, it is impossible. But I guess they key is to start with as clean a slate as possible, given the circumstances.

For a while I really wanted to die, because I saw no escape from my current life. Another thing that I never felt before in my life–the wish to die.  I deliberately ran the financial part of my life into the ground because I just plain didn’t care and really saw no future for myself. All I knew is I hated my life and wondered what was wrong with me and felt like a completely worthless person all because I didn’t have the approval of one stupid guy who never even saw me in the first place even when I was together. I was just a placeholder for him, not a person. I wondered how I could be so easily replaced. How worthless I must be…and also having a friend who consistently overrode how I felt, while claiming to support me at the same time. Eh I guess she was doing what she thought was right, Ah well, I guess all that doesn’t matter now since I’m trying to fight my way out of this.

I’m also angry at anyone that wants to fix me up with someone or anyone that tries to attempt a more than platonic relationship with me. I shocked myself because I completely yelled at a person that told me to quit my weird anger at relationships. What. I think I know I’m not ready because I swear I’ll make someone’s life a living hell if I was forced to be in a relationship right now. I wish for the future, but right now, I’m greatly upset.

This weekend was pretty great actually. Except for the part about my neighbors…but we won’t talk anymore about that in this post.

Basically, I’ve come to many conclusions and have made at least vague plans for the future. It’s a step! Anyway one of these plans is to branch out my blogging. (which I haven’t done in a long time) I’m going to continue with this general blog. But the individual categories of entries will be republished on my other blogs of specific topics. Actually…sites.

I’m trying to work it so that I can lead a more flexible lifestyle. And I’m paving the way for it starting now.

I met up with some friends and we agreed to be moral support for one another’s endeavors. They found my plans really ambitious, BUT I believe it is doable. And my life has gotten to a point, where my whole 9-5 (actually 7-5:30) is just unacceptable if I want to live the sort of life I wish for myself. Not only are my plans ambitious, but I’ve come to believe that they are absolutely necessary.

Anyway, I am very happy right now. Okay… Maybe I’m not completely over you-know-who yet, but this week, I felt the inevitable approach of peace.

So what happened? I went kind of blind drinking wine while sharing my plans and I was really sick. At least now I know for sure that wine does not work for me at all. I should not even touch it.  After this I vowed to make the effort to only consume what is best for me. My friend felt bad that I got so sick. And that was the thing…they all still accepted me even though alcohol doesn’t agree with me. Generally my friends now are much sweeter people. More accepting. Less exclusive. And they aren’t mean! I admire them so much…they have great accomplishments, they are kind and they want the world to be better. And they support each other. I mean real support. I don’t mean with money or empty words of support. I mean real moral support where they are there with you when it gets tough. When you run your marathon they fly from all over to cheer you on or run part of it with you. And who they are on the outside is the same person that is on the inside. Nothing fake at all. These are the people that I want to be more like. And sadly, this is why I’m guessing I had to distance myself from other friends.

I think I’m beginning to understand some of the things that were mysterious a month ago.