Dream:

I was in a remote town in another country in another time…sorta. I was living there. I’m not sure why. I don’t think it was permanent.

A caravan of men were passing through town & were staying a few days. I showed them around.

I guess I was special and beautiful and enchanted or something. Everyone treated me that way.

I guess some of those guys fell in love with me. One was very rich, another was a leader of great fame & importance…meh. I ended up falling for the man who was the most creative and to me he was also the most handsome.

Anyway we were perfect for each other… Ok, the dream fast forwards from here. as the scene unfolded, I also had premonitions about what I knew would happen in the future. I think he was supposed to die later. We had a son. Ok. This is weird but the son’s birthday is 10/30/2011. It just popped into my head. And I was sad about him possibly dying but not terribly alarmed since it didn’t happen and we were preparing for a lifetime together & I hoped he wouldn’t really die.

While these premonitions were happening in my head, we were preparing to leave that town together. We were making different beautiful things & my work complemented his.

We really loved each other. The way I imagine it should be. Then I woke up. I kind of wanted to see the dream through… Our son performing in a play… If he actually ended up dying…

And now I wake up in a world where my official stance on love is that it is mythical. No one can be trusted and I’m not particularly enchanted or magical. Why have this dream? So maybe I can just leave my heart in dream land? Yeah. Sounds right. I’d like to think it is trying to prove me wrong. But I’d like to see it prove me wrong when I’m awake.

I’ve been writing a lot–amazingly, mostly on paper, and also on my offline journal. I am going to keep doing this regularly because I want to love something I used to love again. Trying to regain the skill of writing without venting and without fear. If it comes out lame that way, well at least I made an effort to have a relationship with the page instead of eating potato chips in bed, one of my many ways of coping with my helplessness with the writer’s block from 1994 that just never went away.

So I will attempt to do the things that seem somewhat threatening to me. Yeah, working on people’s web pages and writing and just plain interacting…all simple and harmless to the naked eye, but in my mind, potentially disastrous. I’m gonna give it a try. If I happen to suck at those things right now, I have to remember that there were times when I did not.

These pages will just be a lot of blah blah for now. But they are important to me, in that they are my attempts at action. I live in my mind most of the time and I think right now that is my weakness.

This sounds all dreary, but maybe it’s only the rain that affects the tone of this post. I’m very much looking forward to enjoying writing again.  Writing and everything else. There are so many people supporting me and my dreams…I’m so very thankful for that. I’m usually a hermit, that wants people away from me, but right now I think my desire for solitude is more about getting down to business with bringing everything out of my head and into the world.

I am self-disciplining myself with this post since it appears that I am developing into a person that:

1. Hates to write.

2. Hates to talk.

Yeah it’s like that right now. I figure it’s a combo of laziness, tiredness and thinking that communication in general is futile. What.

So I’m forcing myself to post just to gain momentum because I do want to write a lot. And I have sort of an urge to write a lot, BUT at the same time I have the attitude that communication is futile. Understanding is impossible. I’ll write more if I’m in a better mood. I guess in many things I still have to speak up for myself. But I don’t have that kind of energy right now. Or I don’t think I’m worth speaking up for.

Other areas of discipline:

• No caffeine
• (Alcohol doesn’t need to be controlled since I don’t enjoy it, but I need to feel free to decline it if someone is pushing it on me.)
• Platonic relationships only
• Don’t eat too much, eat less than you’re used to AND always take the most healthy alternative
• Set aside time to work on personal projects (this is the one that I’m doing the worst with)
• No makeup (OKAY. I went through a few months where I went from no makeup to encrusted mask, I’ve since taken off the layer of makeup and my skin looks better for it. It’s funny but when people used to ask me for beauty tips it was always not to wear makeup and just use baby powder. I completely forgot my own advice.)

Something in my head tells me that my life after this whole ordeal is going to be better. I don’t necessarily feel it. I just know it. I’m not particularly excited about it because I think a better life should’ve been here like yesterday…

Someone was irritating the hell out of me the other day because she was giving me unsolicited advice. Trying to help me with stuff she knew nothing about. Well I guess she wanted to help me. Currently I’m battling the world. I guess she sees that. See, but when I’m not in San Diego, I am not battling the world. The world is actually wonderful. So maybe I’m battling San Diego. To look on the bright side, a city is more manageable to battle than a whole world. I guess that makes me feel better.