I’m trying to rile myself up and get all excited about this stuff because in the past this is how I got over …lost loves. It was effective and worked quickly. Just the prospect of someone millions of times better was enough to spare me weeks and months and years of love-grieving.

This time it’s different. I can’t seem to get excited over the possibility of someone new. It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through. I halfway suspect if there is a person out there that’s right for me, I’d just look at him and say, “Hey…Soulmate? It was nice to meet you and all, but yeah, I gotta be somewhere…”  Then I’d make a break for it and give up exploring this thing that I used to think my life revolved around. Hey maybe my life is bigger than that. Maybe the delusions of grandeur are not delusions!

Haha, but who am I kidding? So I continue to try to rile myself up in an effort to get over someone. Message for people who’ve come to lecture me: SO YOU SEE IT’S NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.

But I will admit to putting in only a half-assed effort. I posted a profile on one of the free dating websites and I think I offended someone because the profile was so half-assed. He took everything I said apart…ha. Ok dude, obviously this means so much more to you than to me…I know I’m not that driven or excited so I see where you’re coming from.

I used to see the relationship thing as sharing your life with someone. But now I see it as a tempting trap, that actually isn’t so tempting anymore.

But I am seeing what’s out there…yeah whatever. So far everyone is the same. No originality. Everyone trying to project the same persona.  But I guess there’s only so much you can know from short electronic exchanges. I guess I have to try to imagine what I think is impossible…

They say you have to word affirmations in such a way that they are statements of what is occurring in the present (even though you think they aren’t) instead of the future (which is when you really think this stuff is gonna happen.)

Ok. I’m not one for reciting these affirmations aloud because I always feel like a fool, reciting my wishes as if I were a kid reciting, “‘ ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’” and even while knowing fully well that there are exceptions to that rule, as in the words, “neighbor” and “weigh”.

So I don’t do it. And no, I haven’t given it an honest try.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe they work. It’s just–I feel too silly. Instead I say them in my head. Or imagine a feeling. I squinch up my face and ball up my fists and think really hard.

Perhaps another approach is in order.

So I merged my new blog with this, my old blog. I have no idea. I won’t bother catching anyone up and just leave you to be in medias res or whatever they call it. Whatever. I guess now I can be found, but I can always could be found. Nuts.