I know that trying to sleep now is just futile.

So my current drama is that I’ve finally peeked out of my hermitage to explore the world of dating and men after over 2 years. And going into this, admittedly, I’m not really certain what I am looking for exactly.

The ones that want a commitment scare me. The ones that don’t want a commitment scare me. Fawk! I thought I was ready! So I plunged in despite uncertainty.

I’ve met a few that I was interested in…went out with one of them a few times. Holy crap I began to develop feelings. And this is one of those guys that isn’t ready for commitment. I fully respect that. But I figured, I need to stay away from him because my heart is getting involved. We really don’t want that.

One thing I’ve discovered about myself though. If I’m open to it, I can fall in love with just about anyone. They may not be the best for me or even have any of the traits I find attractive. If I’m open to it, I’m potentially in trouble.

This is why I’m such a frikken mean person that tries to be all cynical all the time. My true heart wants to love and trust people completely and without condition. How is that supposed to be in this world, where people struggle and fight to take advantage. So I protect it with the cloak of insensitivity and toughness.

So I’ve taken this novel new approach: I’m going to follow my heart and my mind won’t do the overprotective thing and suppress all love. However my mind will do what’s appropriate and find the wisest action, while still serving my true heart, if that makes any sense. For example, in the case of my ex, who I still have overflowing love for. I will no longer act like I hate him. But I’ll have a bit of restraint and not throw myself as his feet like some sort of fool.

Okay. I know most of you have mastered this sort of thing. What can I say, I’m an all or nothing type of girl. Bear with me, I’m a bit slow. This is my current challenge.

I wish I could be one of those people, who can just laugh it off, take some kick boxing lessons, some salsa classes, get a haircut, and have a wild girl’s night out then act like it’s all shaken off.  Hhaha. Isn’t that what every girl does when she goes through a breakup? Salsa, haircut, kick boxing, girl’s night out: the recipe for beating the breakup blues. It’s almost universal.

Fuck. Just dealing with the fact that there actually is love in my heart, it’s not really broken, and maybe it’s just overflowing with more love for the world in general than I’m comfortable admitting. This is uncomfortable but it is also honest and I vowed to be honest with myself and I’m physically feeling this searing pain through my heart. Or it could be heartburn from the Mexican buffet brunch I had earlier…owwwwwww.