So the past few weeks have been…um…eye-opening to say the least. Without going into the gory details, I just need to sort this shit out right here. This post is just my mind defragmenting right now.

1. I knowingly made a decision, that if you analyzed up and down and left and right and over and under, you would proceed to inform me that it is very very foolish. Hey, I know it’s stupid. But oddly, I don’t feel that it’s the wrong decision. It’s just stupid after crunching all the numbers through the big machine and then a slip of paper prints out–stupid…gullible…idiotic…naive…whatever word you want to use, sure go ahead I don’t blame you. But I go into this knowing that it really isn’t wise and I’m willing to fully accept the consequences of being an idiot, whatever those may be. And when I think about it…every “wrong” thing I’ve ever done, I’ve plunged into it in the same manner, head first, into the unknown oblivion, fully knowing that it really wasn’t wise–so maybe the whole gullible idiot thing needs to be questioned.

2. There actually exists a person on this earth that understands the best and worst parts of me–understands who I am, who isn’t afraid to back me up…and also, isn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit. Uh. Still not sure how to feel about this because it’s such a strange occurence and I thought myself beyond the whole people understanding me thing. And someone with actual valid points that I can understand calling me on BS makes me exposed to the elements. Ugh. This is simultaneously comforting and uncomfortable.

3. There’s more, but this is all I can handle and the second one pretty much covers the rest…

4. okay nevermind.

ARRRRRGH. Must vomit. now.

[edit: Just realized that I didn't address the merging of paths part...well, surprising paths are merging, all of them unexpected.]

Hi,  it’s me, Jennifer.  You might remember me from such relationships as, “friendship”, “love”,  “irritating acquaintance”, or “stalker.”

I just wanted you to know that I don’t hate you or have horrible feelings every time I think of you. In fact, I wish you the best in life and love and everything good. And in my heart, I cheer for you and all the joys and triumphs that I will not experience with you through life.  I’ve just made the decision that it is better not to have you in my life because certain…irreconcilable differences have made it difficult to stick it out. We speak different languages in certain areas of the heart. And I admit, in certain cases, I know I’m being wrong and stubborn. But right now there is a pain there that I personally can’t get past. There would more hurt than happiness if we remained around one another. I won’t say this is forever. But for now, it is indefinite.

I love you and treasure all the things we’ve been through together, the great moments we all shared. I remember all of them fondly. We are still and always will be…friends. But for now, we must be friends apart until I can get over my BS and you get over anything you might have against me and we can be friends together again. My heart is with you and I’ll always be on your side…and to be honest, if you really needed me today and gave me a call, I wouldn’t turn you away. But you’re spunky and sassy and all those things cool things I always saw in you. I know you can do it–Live this life and fight the fight and do and experience and be the best you can here on this earth.

So despite any differences we may be experiencing right now, we will always be connected, our friendship remains undiminished. This is all an illusion and I hope that one day, we can meet on the other side of this, look back and laugh at how stupid we were.

I guess that’s all I have to say now. Later…

Was it the conversation at work I shouldn’t have listened to?  The person I shouldn’t have Googled? The clothes in my closet spilling over onto the floor and to the next room? The drain that keeps filling up with the strange filthy water that comes from who-knows-where? The attention I couldn’t bring myself to ask for? The love that I’m afraid to share? The hope I allowed myself to have?

What IS it?

Retreat hastily. Walk steadily. Look menacing. In that order. Don’t ask anyone for anything. Don’t talk to anyone. Just do what you need to do. Show no fear, even while you crumble. Laugh before you begin to cry. Look away. Walk away. Don’t turn back. Show no weakness. Never let it happen again.

It’s not working this time.

Why did I let you unlock my heart? Now I am weak.

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Uh. Yeah. I don’t get it. What happened? Whatever it was, it was all my doing but I’m hesitant to claim responsibility for it.

I know I’m not making sense now and I don’t even know if I really want to talk about it.

It was as if I had leashes holding hundreds of animals and I let them all go at once and now they are running around all over the place and everything feels over my head and beyond me.

It feels mostly good, but another part of me is saying, “Did you really have to go and let all those things loose?”

This is the card that perfectly describes me right now.

I guess I’ll go into more great detail if one of the chaos-es that I unleashed turns into a brilliant move. If not, you won’t be hearing it from me.

And no, despite all this, I still haven’t gotten over Daniel completely. He’s just always there. Being his grouchy dreamy self.  Whatevah. I expect I’ll be getting over him completely soon…

 

[Later 1:35 pm]

It’s a Pandora’s Box thing.

 

Yeah, I was sick most of this week. I guess it’s a good time to re-watch my movie favorites. One of them is Amelie and the other Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

If you never watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s, you may not want to watch the following clip.

more about "Ahhchooo!", posted with vodpod

Ahhhh…I used to watch these things with my ex-husband. I called him the other day. His birthday was on Halloween and I wanted to really wish him well. The last time I talked to him we were still married. Even though that relationship was a bit turbulent. I think that out of all the guys I’ve ever fallen in love with…(okay I’m making it sound like there were a lot, but there really weren’t that many) Anyway, out of everyone, he was the one that loved me the most. I think our feelings for each other were mutual and we both knew each other very well at some weird abstract intense level. In the end he knew what I needed most from him was a lot of space. I really really am grateful that he respected and knew that was what I needed even if he didn’t want that at the time. It was an awkward phone call, since my decision to make it was so sudden, but we wished each other happiness and wellness and it was so quick because it seemed so weird and out of place with my current life. It’s like I was a different person back then. And he is also a different person now. And we were wishing the memories of the people we knew back then well and we weren’t talking with each other at all. It was strange. Not bad. Just weird. I’m laughing now, just remembering the beginning of the conversation:

Me: It’s Jennifer. Remember me? We used to be married for 5 years.

Him: Yes of course I remember you!

Me: I’ll make this short to minimize the awkwardness. I’m just calling to wish you an early happy birthday because I figured you would take that day off and I don’t have any other number and I also wish you the best in life and that I always have and always will wish you well…*trying to get as much of it as possible out in one breath*

Anyway we chit-chatted and he asked me if I was happy and I asked him if he was happy and we both said we were happy but didn’t go into details. But the conversation lasted all of 3 minutes and although it was strange and rushed, there were well-wishes all around.

I wonder if someday I’ll be another new person for last guy to break my heart, so I can call him on the phone and we can awkwardly exchange well-wishes and realize that the old people don’t exist anymore.

Right now I’m talking to different people in the hopes of forgetting good old you know who. But most of these guys are just wrong. Wrong for me at least. Maybe if I was a more unemotional fun loving girl I’d do well. But it seems to me what most of these guys want is a girl to have sex with but they are too cheap to get a prostitute. So they figure, dinner, drinks, movie adds up to sex. Not that I have a major problem with that going on. But for me, right now, there’s just something not right about it and it’s not something that I want to deal with.

You know I wish I could go with the flow of these things with no problem and be a cool and sassy girl…I really do. I bet life’s easier to live that way. I wish I didn’t have to make it so complicated.

I know that trying to sleep now is just futile.

So my current drama is that I’ve finally peeked out of my hermitage to explore the world of dating and men after over 2 years. And going into this, admittedly, I’m not really certain what I am looking for exactly.

The ones that want a commitment scare me. The ones that don’t want a commitment scare me. Fawk! I thought I was ready! So I plunged in despite uncertainty.

I’ve met a few that I was interested in…went out with one of them a few times. Holy crap I began to develop feelings. And this is one of those guys that isn’t ready for commitment. I fully respect that. But I figured, I need to stay away from him because my heart is getting involved. We really don’t want that.

One thing I’ve discovered about myself though. If I’m open to it, I can fall in love with just about anyone. They may not be the best for me or even have any of the traits I find attractive. If I’m open to it, I’m potentially in trouble.

This is why I’m such a frikken mean person that tries to be all cynical all the time. My true heart wants to love and trust people completely and without condition. How is that supposed to be in this world, where people struggle and fight to take advantage. So I protect it with the cloak of insensitivity and toughness.

So I’ve taken this novel new approach: I’m going to follow my heart and my mind won’t do the overprotective thing and suppress all love. However my mind will do what’s appropriate and find the wisest action, while still serving my true heart, if that makes any sense. For example, in the case of my ex, who I still have overflowing love for. I will no longer act like I hate him. But I’ll have a bit of restraint and not throw myself as his feet like some sort of fool.

Okay. I know most of you have mastered this sort of thing. What can I say, I’m an all or nothing type of girl. Bear with me, I’m a bit slow. This is my current challenge.

I wish I could be one of those people, who can just laugh it off, take some kick boxing lessons, some salsa classes, get a haircut, and have a wild girl’s night out then act like it’s all shaken off.  Hhaha. Isn’t that what every girl does when she goes through a breakup? Salsa, haircut, kick boxing, girl’s night out: the recipe for beating the breakup blues. It’s almost universal.

Fuck. Just dealing with the fact that there actually is love in my heart, it’s not really broken, and maybe it’s just overflowing with more love for the world in general than I’m comfortable admitting. This is uncomfortable but it is also honest and I vowed to be honest with myself and I’m physically feeling this searing pain through my heart. Or it could be heartburn from the Mexican buffet brunch I had earlier…owwwwwww.

 

I’m trying to rile myself up and get all excited about this stuff because in the past this is how I got over …lost loves. It was effective and worked quickly. Just the prospect of someone millions of times better was enough to spare me weeks and months and years of love-grieving.

This time it’s different. I can’t seem to get excited over the possibility of someone new. It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through. I halfway suspect if there is a person out there that’s right for me, I’d just look at him and say, “Hey…Soulmate? It was nice to meet you and all, but yeah, I gotta be somewhere…”  Then I’d make a break for it and give up exploring this thing that I used to think my life revolved around. Hey maybe my life is bigger than that. Maybe the delusions of grandeur are not delusions!

Haha, but who am I kidding? So I continue to try to rile myself up in an effort to get over someone. Message for people who’ve come to lecture me: SO YOU SEE IT’S NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.

But I will admit to putting in only a half-assed effort. I posted a profile on one of the free dating websites and I think I offended someone because the profile was so half-assed. He took everything I said apart…ha. Ok dude, obviously this means so much more to you than to me…I know I’m not that driven or excited so I see where you’re coming from.

I used to see the relationship thing as sharing your life with someone. But now I see it as a tempting trap, that actually isn’t so tempting anymore.

But I am seeing what’s out there…yeah whatever. So far everyone is the same. No originality. Everyone trying to project the same persona.  But I guess there’s only so much you can know from short electronic exchanges. I guess I have to try to imagine what I think is impossible…

They say you have to word affirmations in such a way that they are statements of what is occurring in the present (even though you think they aren’t) instead of the future (which is when you really think this stuff is gonna happen.)

Ok. I’m not one for reciting these affirmations aloud because I always feel like a fool, reciting my wishes as if I were a kid reciting, “‘ ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’” and even while knowing fully well that there are exceptions to that rule, as in the words, “neighbor” and “weigh”.

So I don’t do it. And no, I haven’t given it an honest try.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe they work. It’s just–I feel too silly. Instead I say them in my head. Or imagine a feeling. I squinch up my face and ball up my fists and think really hard.

Perhaps another approach is in order.

So I merged my new blog with this, my old blog. I have no idea. I won’t bother catching anyone up and just leave you to be in medias res or whatever they call it. Whatever. I guess now I can be found, but I can always could be found. Nuts.

The real reason I clothe myself in a whirlwind of fury and hatred…is embarrassing really. I was just about to write it here and realized that people are seeing this. Stupid people with their people-y thoughts and opinions…it’s all their doing, really. Really.

I am starting this because there have been several people who have expressed a desire to communicate with each other through blogging. Different groups of friends. Wanting to speak with complete honesty, sharing real thoughts and feelings.

To be honest, I’m not sure how honest I want to be. But I guess I could start by talking about why I am “clothed in fury”. I could just delete this if I wake up tomorrow and decide it is stupid.

So. The reason I do that is an embarrassing one because the one I am really angry at is myself. For allowing myself to hope, even just a little. And the hope was not realized. Who the hell was I to hope, to trust, to believe in people-or myself?

Now if we were to crack open any self-help book, the above statements will be immediately declared total BS, that I should forgive and love myself and move the fuck on because you know, the law of attraction is totally gonna bite you in the ass if you dwell on it.

Well fine.

You know just now I imagined all the havoc I would unleash onto the world. And then I laughed. Maybe I can forgive after all. Lulz!